Land of the Free, Home of the Brave
Well, JvJ elite, I survived my stint in the cities of our unforgiving neighbor to the north. In the spirit of US diplomacy, I have typed out my notes, little nuggets of observation that detail the peculiar relationship we have with the country that almost rhymes with “banana.”
Canada Through the Eyes of an American
Canadians, it appears, enjoy their bacon and maple syrup. They like hockey and take to a free health clinic when they’re feeling the sniffles. They are semi-socialists and don’t fear bears or moose, as these creatures roam the outskirts of most major cities. They like to ski and smoke dope in public. They wear outdated hightops and are relatively patriotic. Their national anthem begins “Oh, Canada,” and it is a song of celebration, not one that bemoans the country. And like all things paired with “oh,” it is suggestively orgasmic.
United States through the Eyes of a Canadian
Well, seen through the lens of a Canuck, Americans love guns (and own them). We appreciate a good murder mystery, and feel justified to shoot someone if they’re rude to us. We love Bush — the president, not the shrubbery. We breed rabid giants, who beastily entertain us performing feats of sport. We like homeruns and touchdowns as much as we like food served lukewarm and fast. We want our women like our cities: dirty and dangerous. We are capitalists and believe in conquering things. They think our tensions with Iran are just clever ruse — they know they’re next. Just think of all the beautiful Canadian oil.
At first glance, these are grave differences indeed. Their cities, from afar, look like Elysian fields of glory — impeccable, serene. Here’s a photo I took from high up in West Vancouver of the city below. And well, I’ll be damned: after a second look, it appears our neighbors do share at least one interest with us.
