September 2008
4 posts
Stoichiometry -- not just a sexy word to say
We always knew not to mix water and potassium, but who would’ve thunk it that their European personas would act it out so well?
In the sequel, one can only hope for a rendition of mixing hydrochloric acid (HCl) and a metal, say aluminum (Al). Let’s hope HCl is a slim heroin-chic model a la K. Moss, and Al is a 750-pound silverback gorilla with an interest in destruction.
And...
Baltimore Cop Snuffs Out Public Enemy #1
Remember this cop? Baltimore citizens can rest assured. Cop seizes terrorist and possible WMD devices during his standard patrol of the waterfront.
Tune in:
Peppa, Peppa, Peppa -- RNC Security Goes Beserk --...
So, she had a flower and evoked a silly 60’s idealism. So, she was persistent in her offering of it. So, she wasn’t dressed in Darth Vadaresque attire. So, she could’ve been a flaming liberal — an enemy of the state, no doubt. So, so what?
Politics not at play: DNC “security” does it too.
August 2008
19 posts
A Humdinger!
Enjoy your personal freedoms? Well, enjoy this:
Sexy People Shenanigans and Radical Hair -- the...
Sometimes, at the end of a long day, a rainbow appears, and at the end of that rainbow is a brimming pot of gold, and at the bottom of that pot of gold is a happy-go-lucky leprechaun, and in the hands of that happy-go-lucky leprechaun is a laptop, and on that laptop is a web browser opened to a web page of great historic implications and even greater piss-your-pants funny.
So, strap on the shades...
Pop v. Soda: the debate that divides a nation
Having grown up on the hardened streets of a little post-industrial C-town, I have come to appreciate the lilting qualities of northern speak. The cadence the flows from the mouths of my fellow Northern Ohioans is a sweet, sweet sonance, easily compared to the harp’s arpeggio.
Years ago, I moved south to a land where “soda” is rather vociferously preferred to...
The taste of atomic frosting and other...
They’d soon find themselves bloated and sluggish, unable to walk across the room and push the detonate button. The celebratory cake had done them in. They had eaten too much, and several million civilians would live to see another day.
Bouncing rocks, fists of steel, and other madness...
Stay tuned for next week’s featured fisticuffs.
Top Pork →
The end is the best part — just wait for it.
The Olympian's Victorious Leap
The Olympian climbed the diving board’s ladder, the long view of anxious spectators widening in front of him. The hum of the audience died. A bird changed direction overhead, flew south. He considered his years of training, the arduous workouts in the gym, the long runs under the Arizona sun, the plaguing injuries of an overworked athlete, the unfathomable accident suffered by his coach. Today...
And to yon pearly gates one may enter, but only...
I always like to give JvJ subscribers the first go at any great deals I know of. Here’s a sundry of items I’m giving away or selling as I make my big move to the other side of town. Big Couch Little Couch Drum Set While the items themselves are timelessly stylish and much coveted, it seems the descriptions have tripped up some of the craigslist freeclub members. Responding to this ad, one...
Greetings from Indianapolis – soaking up that...
Awhile back, I received this email from one of those jerk-off travel websites (read: Travelocity) that try to pawn off “hot” airfare. I’m somewhat amused by their usual pitches: “come lay (sic) on the white sands of Hawaii” or “the music of Nashville will capture your soul.” However, this email from the other week stumped me: “A few reasons to book your trip to Indianapolis now.”
Off the top...
Just a couple of dudes wanting to hang out -- rare...
Party Mansion!!! — Nothing Sexual.
Sorry, no fat dudes allowed.
Eagle, Atomic Number 62
Holy batshit, batman. This just released: a periodic table of awesoments. It’s a good thing that we’ve been fortuitously showered with such informations/knowledges, as my perspective on awesome had been slipping recently. Why, just the other day I saw a traffic jam and yelled, “AWESOME!” The traffic nor the jam were awesome, and I was, of course, gravely mistaken. Indubitably, it was a time...
Grabbing the Unicorn by the Horn: birthday madness...
Living the life of a www celebrity, I’m often asked, “So what’d you get into this weekend?” Having no shortness of answers, I regale and lilt sweet songs of decadence, unbridled fun, and wild eccentricity to my inquirers. I cannot help myself. Much like a cat, I’m filled with mischief. And this mischief often finds me aboard the carnival rides of life. Humdinger. So what’d I do this weekend? ...
“Josh sang on his birthday… It sounded like a mix of fergie and jesus.”
July 2008
7 posts
There is a town in China with blood-splattered...
It was a usual Monday morning: I awoke to the distant ringing in my ears and filled with the enthusiasm of a 50-pound sack of sugar. I stood and stretched out the weekend’s overkill, felt the sandpaper roughage of my tongue work across my palate. Hardened drool had frozen the right side of my mouth into a half-cooked smile, making me look like I got jumped by botox-wielding thugs in the...
Motivational Posters of the Week
All Eyes Were On Me
as I steadied myself on the board. It was going to be a big day, and I, like the other penguins on penguin island, were as ready as a penguin can be.
You'll see me come a ridin' into your town atop my...
As a kid, I constantly asked for a mechanical pony and a handpump BB gun. My dad always refused, cleverly offering that timeless parental adage, “when pigs fly.” Well, pops, it’s time to pay up. Sucker.
Taking a Bite of the Green Apple (tm)
“It’s white and shiny, and I can’t resist” where the last words slung down the vacant hallways of my mind seconds before I purchased my new Apple ™ laptop. The bandwagon slowed as it passed, and I boarded with gusto. It was, as some might say, part of my new transformation.
This past Monday, I received my new computer-superstar in the mail. It was a day of joy, a day of unfathomable boners...
De Plane! De Plane! (and other nonsense on the...
My apologies for my extended absence, but it took several days upon my Caymanian return to right my wings, so to speak.
Our last day on the island was like any other: fantastic endless blue skies, the twinkling Caribbean waters, and the promise of better things. I took one last dip in the pool to massage my sun-damaged skin. It felt good, much like eating a stick of butter, and in my own little...
June 2008
14 posts
Snaggle Teeth Welcome
Most of this is out of context, but a friend and I are starting to script a new show that’s about a failing start-up company, we basically get huge venture investments and blow them on stupid things, here’s a list of ideas we want to incorporate into a pilot somehow, let me know which ones you find funny or interesting,
*Ideas Can Be Posted Below* Date 2/26/08 1) Lacing food with...
Bacon! Caymania! (and other nonsequitirs)
Sometimes, I wake up in the morning, mix up some fresh cement, stick my feet into the cool sludge, and let it dry — you know, just to make my day a little more taxing and wearisome. But, really, who cares? Check out the new extreme sport sweeping across ‘Merica: Extreme Ironing. Seagull!
I get the sense that it’s not safe for the kiddies if you’ve got ‘em. But,...
Rare Four-Humped, Albino Camel →
Where Have All the Pirates Gone?
Damn global warming. Who cares about the polar bears — save the pirates!
Please keep in mind, however, that the current pirate count (17) does not include the Pittsburgh Pirates, which would alter the graph slightly.
Google's New Recipe Search
I was excited by the prospects of a Google recipe search application. However, it doesn’t appear as extensive as some of their other data-driven applications (see below). “Ho-hum” is right.
Haiku of the Week
Rubik’s quiet click
as he aligns matching squares.
Then silence once more.
Modernist Lesson of the Day
This is not a moose.
The Fatman in the Hallway
In their debut production The Fatman in the Hallway, co-producers Meredith and Josh Baugher have affronted critics with carnival theatricality and riptide wit to create a production that will even have the rope-pullers in the wings talking.
With a charming homegrown lead character (William Pensworth), the brother-sister team walks the audience through a narrative of triumph and loss, of...
Christian, Another Paris Hilton Crony
This just in: Christian, roommate and regular douchebag, was spotted living it up with some of Hollywood’s upper echelon this past weekend. Though limited in Bev Hills style and lingo, CT had little problem buddying up with Paris, a has-been as trampled as the city of her name (but nonetheless still a celebrity).
Sources close to Hilton say the Hollywood hanger was smitten with...
Robots and Monkeys, In No Particular Order REVISIT
Sorry I’ve been MIA, summer school has me by the yarbles,
However, the guy I partned with on the www.CollegeProject.net venture, is the same one who is headling the monkey neuro-implants project at Duke. He’s only 18 years old, and is headlining the research brief on these studies. The kid is brilliant, I’ll keep you all posted with insider trading information on monkey...
Canada, Eh?
I’ve finally uploaded the photos from the Boghoggler’s trip abroad to Canucksville. What did we discover during our adventures? Well, for one, the Boghogglers love a good cup of Canadian coffee. And they love pushing Canadians down the stairs and yelling, “America rules!”
So, briefly, here’s what we go into:
Stop 1: Ventriloquist Seminar
Coincidentally, Jeremy...
Make it Last
Noodling through the tumultuous waves of the world wide web the other morning, I came across this picture of this fine young lady and her prom date, an AK-47 complete with detachable 30-round magazine.
Notable is the juxtaposition of the young maiden in virginal white and the cold steel of the gun, more notable is the juxtaposition of the AK and the Warhol-esque (sort of) flowers on the wall...
Go Gonzo this July 4th
“What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole lifestyle that he helped create. A generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old mystic fallacy of the acid culture: the desperate assumption that somebody, or at least some force, was tending the light at the end of the tunnel. There was only one road back to L.A. - U.S. Interstate...
May 2008
33 posts
Robots and Monkeys, In No Particular Order
According to Breitbart.com, new robotic exoskeletons could bring about an era where super soldiers battle enemy super soldiers in feats of technological strength. When I read this headline a week ago, I thought only “Ho-hum.” I’ve been hearing this robot static for years now, and I still have yet to encounter a robot I couldn’t disarm with a simple kick to the battery...
With a Heart of Gold
These two young ladies are heroes in the sleepy vista community that awards brazen youth who steal from foolish nine-year-old girlscouts who don’t keep their stack o’ bills in check. Teens Steal From Girl Scouts on FunnyOrDie.com
This One's for Charlie
“I came home one day, took off my windbreaker, and three bindles of cocaine fell...”
– Gary Busey, American Actor and Genius
Take a Journey
deep inside the mind of Busey (first thirty viewers get a satchel of cocaine):
Land of the Free, Home of the Brave
Well, JvJ elite, I survived my stint in the cities of our unforgiving neighbor to the north. In the spirit of US diplomacy, I have typed out my notes, little nuggets of observation that detail the peculiar relationship we have with the country that almost rhymes with “banana.” Canada Through the Eyes of an American Canadians, it appears, enjoy their bacon and maple syrup. They like...